Weaning from Co-Sleeping without Crying It Out (Mom to Mom #9)
When I wrote about the current sleeping arrangements in my family, commenter Jen vented her frustrations with co-sleeping right now. I thought her comment cried out for a little mother-to-mother support. After reading her comment, please leave a comment of your own with how you’ve handled sleeping arrangements and/or weaning from co-sleeping without crying-it-out.
Jen wrote:
I am very tired of our sleeping arrangements. My husband is so tired of them that he actually has opted out entirely and just sleeps in another bedroom by himself. I don’t know how to move away from cosleeping now, with my 22-month old daughter, without letting her cry it out, which I’m apparently not willing to do.
I miss sleeping with my husband. My daughter still wakes up to nurse occasionally at night, and that disturbs his sleep and leaves him working at a lower capacity all day the next day, which means more time away from home. He does everything he can to maximize time at home, and if that means sleeping by himself, he does it.
I would love to move my daughter to her own bed. My son got moved to his own bed at some point, but it took a long time to transition him. He sometimes sleeps with me and my daughter, but not often. Usually just if he wets his bed. I never change sheets in the middle of the night!
I loved cosleeping with both of my kids, and my husband has gone along with it because I loved it so much, but was not willing to tolerate broken sleep so slept elsewhere. I’m ready to sleep with him again, and I’m ready for my daughter to be in her own bed (in our room), but I don’t know how to do it in a gentle fashion.
I’m very frustrated about this right now.
What are some gentle ways to handle night-time parenting and moving away from co-sleeping?
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34 opinions for Weaning from Co-Sleeping without Crying It Out (Mom to Mom #9)
Jen
Jul 29, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Thanks for posting my dilemma! I look forward to hearing everyone’s suggestions.
For now, I nurse my daughter to sleep for naps (unless she happens to fall asleep in the car on the way home). At night, I nurse her, then hand her over to my husband, who rocks her to sleep in a rocking chair while watching television. When she’s asleep, he carries her up to our bed.
She always wakes up around midnight to nurse. That’s ok with me, because I’m always still awake, so it isn’t disturbing my sleeping. I think she sleeps through after that, but my husband disagrees. I know she wakes up at 6:00am to nurse again, and will sometimes fall back asleep after nursing for an hour if my son doesn’t wake up and interrupt that process.
Ideally, I’d like to be able to put her down and have her put herself to bed. I know people do that and their kids turn out just fine. Why not us?
I know that once she’s old enough, we’ll be able to read her books and put her in bed and tell her to stay there, but that’s quite a ways off. Also, it took a long time (months) to teach my son that he had to go to bed alone after books. He was too used to sleeping with us. He still comes out sometimes and tells us how lonely he is, and that he can’t sleep because he’s sooo looonely. Poor thing. I don’t want to go through that again. How can we prevent it? Is it too late already?
We don’t own a crib because the kids have been in bed with us, and we moved my son directly to a full sized bed when we moved him out of our bed. We do have a pack n play, which we’ve used about twice. I’ve heard they aren’t very comfortable.
I get so frustrated when all I want to do is get her to sleep, and I have no way of forcing her to sleep even though she needs it desperately. I have no way to contain her, so she just jumps off the bed and wanders away. I could pin her down, but that’s pretty mean and doesn’t make her settle down, anyway.
I have loved co-sleeping, but I’m really done with it, or at least I’m done with not having a way to put her to bed when she’s intent on wandering the house. I’m all for freedom of movement, in theory, but when it is two hours past when bedtime should have been, I want to contain her somehow. Once, a few weeks ago, I eventually gave up and put both the kids in the car and drove around until she fell asleep. I do NOT want to get into that habit, but my husband wasn’t home to help and I was desperate.
So, it isn’t REALLY cosleeping that is the problem. It is the lack of a safe and contained area for bedtime, and the night waking and restless sleeping. It is pretty ridiculous for a 22 month old to still be waking to nurse. Infants can sleep through the night; why is my daughter still waking up?
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Jul 29, 2007 at 5:27 pm
Sleep issues and night-time parenting have got to be the most difficult challenges for all parents, breastfeeding or not.
Frankly I think *many* toddlers are still night-waking and most parents are just embarrassed to admit it. There are all sorts of reasons for it — needing comfort, feeling thirst, going through developmental changes, having nightmares etc. It certainly doesn’t help much, though, to know others are going through it, when all you want is a good night’s sleep.
I’ll share a few of my thoughts. Our 2.5-year-old slept with us for many months, then transitioned to a twin mattress next to our bed, then her sister’s queen bed (until her sister no longer enjoyed that), then to a twin mattress a little farther from us but still in the same room. After our last vacation, when she’d been sleeping in various hotel and guest beds, we figured she’d take to sleeping in her own bed in her own room, and that proved to be the case. Now we have a bedtime routine of brush teeth, floss, read stories, nurse, get a drink of water, and hold hands until she falls asleep. Sometimes I can tell her I need to go turn off lights or do some other task, and I will check on her later, and she falls asleep on her own. Once my older daughter learned to fall asleep on her own, she enjoyed having a stuffed animal with her (whereas she’d never taken to a “lovey” before). My younger daughter now asks for an “elmo” (”animal” LOL) now too.
I think having a typical bedtime routine helps a lot, as does trying to make sure the child is tired but not overly tired when it’s time for bed. That means getting enough exercise during the day, eating well, and not having excess sugar or artificial colorings esp. at night.
I wish I had the secret to good sleep! I could use any tips anyone else has as well!
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Jul 29, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Don’t forget this book as a resource: The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers: Gentle Ways to Stop Bedtime Battles and Improve Your Child’s Sleep
by Elizabeth Pantley.
Ali
Jul 30, 2007 at 6:44 am
Oh, Jen, I feel for you! And I agree with Angela - a lot of young toddlers are still night-waking, but parents don’t admit it!
For us, moving our toddler from our bed to her own sleeping space was a long process. We made the transition a very gradual one - which was tough, because the adults were ready to be done with it before the little one!
We started with a sidecar arrangement - putting the crib alongside the bed, on my side. (My husband got a little breathing room that way, since he was more exasperated than I was!) Of course, DD would wiggle back into the bed, but whenever I realized she’d done so I’d gently scootch her back into the crib. Of course, if it seemed likely that she was going to howl with protest, I’d let her stay, because it would defeat the purpose.
At nap time, I would put her down in her own room. For us, the magic item was a toddler bed - she was delighted with the idea of a bed all her own, just DD sized. I’d nurse her down for her nap, and then put her into the toddler bed, and made the whole thing as relaxing and inviting as possible.
Eventually, we were able to segue into putting her down at night in her toddler bed. Then if she woke in the night, she would usually end up coming into ‘the big bed.’
Once she was comfortable with the toddler bed, we started introducing the night weaning - ‘DD goes night-night, Mama goes night-night, nursies go night-night.’ We had a night light that we would turn on, and would say, “When the night light is on, the nursies are asleep. You can nurse when the light goes off.” We gradually increased the length of time the night light was on until we’d made it through the night, and then could say, “No nursies until daylight.”
It was a long process, because we waited for clear signs that DD was ready for the transitions. If it seemed like we were pushing too hard, we’d slow down or back up a little. There was a lot of trial and error. But overall - from DD’s perspective, anyway! - it was a gentle and peaceful transition.
Good luck, Jen!
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Jul 30, 2007 at 6:59 am
Ali, what a nice way to work with your daughter. I love the idea of using the night light!
Eilat
Jul 30, 2007 at 8:17 am
I am having a lot of similar scenarios with my 23 month old, and I can think of a few ideas for Jen.
Even though we started off co-sleeping, once my son was a pro at crawling I was afraid he would crawl off our bed before we joined him and would hurt himself. So at 8 or 9 months we started putting him to sleep in his own crib. it became nice to fall asleep with my husband, and I would bring him into bed with us when he woke up. Once he got older it became harder to put him down in this own bed. The restraining thing was an issue. Its as if all a tired kid needs is to be still for a minute and he will fall asleep. How does one get a child to be still?
Do you have a stroller? We used the stroller for a while. For naps — certainly, but sometimes for bedtime. I would put my iPod on with some nice music that he and I both like, go on a quiet street and sing along to him. 2 songs and he’d be out.
I think a thing to try would be to put your child once she is asleep down in her own bed. What happens once she wakes up you can decide. you may want to rock her back to sleep (we have a glider for that) and place her in her bed again, or just bring her into bed with you (I often do this because im too tired at 3am to do any rocking). But she may sleep longer in a bed of her own. I agree with Ali, the toddler bed is great! We announced “you have your OWN NEW bed!” — I find that exciting adjectives are excellent marketing tools for toddlers ;-) and he was pretty excited to try it, at least for play.
That way your husband gets a chance to sleep (or not just sleep…) with his wife again!
Also maybe the kids can share a room for sleep time. that way your son won’t feel lonely either.
Bedtime is still a very lengthy process for us and can last up to 45 minutes or longer on some nights. dad reads stories until he is told “get mommy” then I nurse him and sing lullabies until he seems to be asleep or very drowsy. Then I put him in his bed and if he rolls over then I cover him and tiptoe out. if he turns out me with open eyes, I try holding his hand, but lately he just says “I want daddy” and so we switch again. But he sleep in his own bed this way and comes into our bed sometime between 3am and 6am.
Sometimes I can get a really good night’s sleep!
Good luck with your daughter, Jen.
Noel
Jul 31, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Whew - I was afraid that I was the only one having trouble with this. We are trying to get our 1 year old son to sleep all night in his crib. He has been cosleeping since day 1, but I never wanted to do it due to my own sleep troubles. He was not the kind of baby who fell asleep nursing, in the car seat, the stroller, in the sling or Bjorn, or anywhere else but in human arms. Putting him down resulted in screaming (we tried 4 different cribs in our room and his, swaddling, and white noise too). This continued until he was 6 months. Then we were able to get him to nap a bit in his crib. For the last 4 months, he’s started the night in his crib - waking up crying every 30 to 60 minutes. Then he would come to bed with us because he was still nursing 3+ times a night. Trying to get him to nurse less invited 2 hours of crying while we rocked him or tried to give him water that he didn’t want. Meanwhile, I have always been a light sleeper, thus I get NO sleep while being kicked by an active little guy, or woken up to nurse, etc. I teach community college, so I like to be awake during the day ;)
So until fall semester starts in a few weeks, I am trying to keep in his crib and attend to him when he wakes up there. Last night he slept 5 hours straight for the first time once we got him asleep (he requires a lot of rocking/bouncing). Was it because he had his 12 month shot? Probably. He only woke up 3 times, the last at 5am, so I brought him to our bed to nurse.
The middle of the nursing is also a bit rough right now - he is sucking hard. Ouch.
Well, I guess my best advice comes from my MIL: “Don’t worry, he won’t be doing this when he goes away to college.”
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Aug 1, 2007 at 6:00 am
Eilat — We did the same thing in our family, making a big deal about the new (to her) flower sheets and comforter for my toddler. She really took to the idea of her own bed and her own pillow and her own flower sheets :)
Noel — I’ve been there with the night-waking every hour. We even had our daughter evaluated by her pediatrician at about 14 months, just to make sure there wasn’t a medical reason for the night-waking (reflux or gastrointestinal problems, say). It took a lot of working with her to get her to sleep well. I can tell you though that even a terrible sleeper can turn into a great one — by preschool age my daughter was sleeping so hard I couldn’t wake her up if I tried! Hang in there!!
Jennifer
Aug 6, 2007 at 7:55 am
We always started out putting our baby’s to bed at night in a bassinet, crib, or mattress on the floor. Early on in our room, later on, in their own room. When they woke at night, they came to bed with us for the rest of the night. It was different with each one, but eventually they stayed in their beds all night. I’ve heard 3-4 years is the age children’s sleep cycles start to closely resemble adults (meaning they don’t wake as much at night!). Our 2.5 year old is still coming into our bed usually early morning, sometime middle of the night. Maybe you could put a mattress on the floor in your room to start out at night and then after a while, move it into another room.
As for getting them to go to sleep on their own (I have to admit, I like when this happens!), we started out by nursing to sleep for a while on the mattress on the floor. Then gradually adding books, prayers, music, and encouragement that they could fall asleep without nursing. Then we would lay down with them until they fell asleep. Eventually, we could stay in the room sitting up in a chair or on the floor (I would take a flashlight and read). Then we would say we had to leave the room for a minute and would be right back. Then be sure to come back! Gradually lengthening out the time we were gone, until they had fallen asleep while we were gone. This all sounds long and drawn out, and it was more for some of our kids than others. Some, we didn’t have to go through all of these steps. I think the older your child is, the faster the transitions might go, because they are more ready. Of course it all depends on the child. In any case, it’s worth it. Our children go to sleep fairly easily on their own, and it’s hard to remember rocking the older ones to sleep now! You will probably look back at this time as a blink of an eye! After we fully transition a child out of our bed and into their own, my husband always says he misses them and wants to go get them! And I answer, of course, “Over my dead body!” but at the same time understand his feelings completely and miss them.
Michele
Aug 6, 2007 at 6:38 pm
I to am happy to hear that I am not the only that loves to “co-sleep”. Though as much as I love it, I think that it is time for my son to sleep in his own bed. Matthew is 11 months old. My husband and I have had him in our bed since he was really little. I to have had massive struggles trying to get my son to sleep on his own. I do breastfeed him as often as he wants. Usually only before he goes to sleep. Now he is in such the habit of lying in bed with me and falling asleep on the breast that as soon as I try to move him to his own bed, he wakes and puts up such a fight. I have tried to let him “cry it out” but I just can’t do it. If I am lucky enough to get him in his crib without wakeing, he only sleeps about 1 or 2 hours before he is up crying again. It is getting somewhat exhausting. But like my mother and many other mothers have told me, this shall pass. I am a stay at home mom so I don’t have to worry about getting up to go to work the next morning. For that I am thankful. When midnight rolls around and my son starts crying, I myself am to tired to fight so I bring him to our bed. I do find that we (my son and myself) do get more sleep this way. It is a struggle right now, but in time he will sleep on his own and I am sure that I will miss him being in my bed.
Shanda
Aug 22, 2007 at 10:31 am
Help please! I have a co-sleeping/nursing dilemma right now, and I can’t find ANY clear advice. I love co sleeping with my 10 month old and my 4 year old. (he co-slept with us til he moved into his big boy bed, now he crawls into bed with us around 6 am) But I don’t want to nurse at night anymore. My baby doesn’t know how to get back to sleep very well without nursing, so she wakes me up at 2 am and at 5 am. I have sleep problems myself, and when I wake up at 2, I can’t get back to sleep. I want to try crying it out, while co sleeping, but I can’t find any sleep expert to comment on it. Everyone is either family bed or cry-it-out, never both together. Is there anyone out there who writes of this?
darcie
Aug 30, 2007 at 9:47 am
Thanks for writing about this! I wonder if anyone has advice about weaning a six-month old from cosleeping? We hadn’t planned on sleeping with my daughter, but she was 7 weeks premature, and cosleeping seemed the only way to help her sleep. I love doing it, but our bed is small and she’s quite a restless sleeper, rolling everywhere, and moreover, my husband gets no sleep when she’s in the bed. We have been trying to put her to sleep in a crib (right next to our bed), but she wakes every 30 to 60 minutes or so now, wanting to nurse (I think just for comfort?). I am willing to be patient and keep trying this, but I worry that she’s not sleeping enough now. I am unwilling to let her cry, but I really want her to sleep for a more extended period of time in her own crib. Any ideas how long this process will take? I can be patient as long as I feel confident that we’re on the right track and not hurting our relationship with her or depriving her of sleep.
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Charlene
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:12 am
Re Darcie……
I too had a preemie - he was 10 weeks early, but is doing great. I will be of no help here, but had to share as I am now facing the dilemna of moving my now 22 month old to his own bed.
I am not sure if it was because we spent a month and a half in the hospital or because I thought I was never going to be a mommy, but I had alot of trouble not holding my little guy. It was all I wanted to do.
We have had on and off success with my som sleeping in his own bed, but now, I just gave up really. he starts the night in his crib, but wakes maybe an hour to an hour and a half later and mommy just brings him to bed so we can get some sleep.
it is really daddy that gets frustrated with this and we don’t get alot of adult time - which is missed.
We will be moving in a couple weeks and I am wondering if it will be a good time to try and move him to his own bed for the full night We have already taken the crib apart and put the mattress on the floor - but that alone has not changed much.
I now am doing some reading and find that co-sleeping can actually be beneficial, but how do you know when it is time to get them to sleep in their own bed. I am tossing the idea around of actually getting a big enough bed so that mommy can sleep in his room and move back to my own bed once he is asleep.
I am not the cry it out type. 10 minutes feels like a life time for me - it really kills me.
I just don’t want to be doing more harm than good. I have been less than honest with his pediatrician about the sleeping thing, but she is one for the cry it out theory.
maybe we’ll just know that magic time when it comes. I have never loved someone so much, nor been so amazed.
Amber
Oct 31, 2007 at 6:42 pm
Hi moms,
I have a sweet 16 month old daughter and a beautiful little 3 month old baby. I co-slept with my daughter. She jumped out of her crib the day after we brought our new baby home. We put her in a toddler bed immediately. She sleeps through the night in the toddler bed. Our problem is getting her to go to sleep on her own. My husband and I just spent a combined 2.5 hours putting her to sleep tonight. We tried making her sleep on her own instead of rocking her to sleep. My biggest problem is that she won’t go to sleep unless she’s pulling my hair. It’s endearing but it’s getting out of hand. How do I get her to go to sleep without crying it out and without the sleep prop of pulling my hair?
Also, it has been hard to teach her to sleep on her own with a three-month-old who needs my attention. He’s being pushed to the side a lot because she’s more demanding than he is. I hate not giving him even a portion of the attention that I gave my daughter.
Hope someone has some good ideas.
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Oct 31, 2007 at 7:53 pm
Shanda, I like what Dr. Sears says in his list of 12 alternatives to crying-it-out. CIO is not the same as crying in mom or dad’s arms (because the child is receiving some physical comfort from the parent’s presence, not abandonment). Try some new ways to get your baby to sleep in the first place (the sling, daddy’s arms) and your baby might be more willing to accept other alternatives to nursing in the night.
See: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070800.asp
Good luck!
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Oct 31, 2007 at 7:57 pm
Darcie, night-waking at 6 months certainly could be a growth spurt. Hopefully you’ve already seen some lessening of the night-waking if she’s made it through that spurt. If not, you could try offering to nurse more during the daytime — tank her up so to speak!
If she doesn’t like the crib you might try putting your mattress on the floor and putting another mattress tightly up against yours. That gives everyone a little more wiggle room, and you’re close by but not too close. It doesn’t make the room look very pretty but if it helps you get a better night’s sleep, it could be worth it! Good luck!
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Charlene, moving is a huge change (I’m going through it now too!) so it is important to be sensitive to your son’s needs, just as you are being. I’d try to watch his behavior and see how he does, and ease off if he’s showing signs of stress. Use the move as an opportunity to get him excited about HIS OWN ROOM! with HIS OWN BIG BOY BED! and let him pick out a new (or new to him) bedding set. My daughter was very pleased to have her flower comforter and matching pillow case :) See how he does staying in his new room. He may take to it surprisingly well if you are clever about getting him on board with the idea. Or he may have a hard time with the move and with being separated from you, in which case you could back off the idea and start again in a few more months. You might try putting his new bed in your room (if there’s room) — this worked well for our family as we transitioned my daughter to her own room eventually.
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:24 pm
Amber, if the bed time routine is taking so long (I’ve been there!) you could examine whether you’re trying to put her to bed either too early (she’s not ready and needs a later bedtime now) or too late (she’s overtired and has a hard time settling). Play around with her nap time and bed time and see if changing those around a bit helps. Get her some more physical activity during the day — literally run her ragged. I noticed more trouble getting the kids to sleep in the winter months when we weren’t getting outside often enough.
See if switching up the routine helps too — and start earlier with slowing things down, maybe add a baby massage after the bath if that helps relax your child, dimming the lights a little during storytime.
At some point if she’s just not settling you can trot out a stock phrase, over and over again. In a nice and gentle voice, you remind her, “It’s time for sleep. Time for quiet now. I love you! Good night.” If it’s not working, see if singing a repetitive song helps (BINGO, Old MacDonald, The Wheels on the Bus).
As for the hair pulling, see if you can agree on a substitute. Have her be a part of the process. Maybe she chooses a special blanket with a silky edge to rub. Maybe you make a yarn doll with soft hair for her to pull. You could put one of your worn t-shirts (that has your scent on it) on a doll or stuffed animal.
You could also try letting her pull your hair for a limited time if she just can’t give it up altogether. For example, talk to her about how she can hold onto your hair for as long as one “ABC” song (or some other device) and then she can hold a doll or blanket. Remind her of the new routine a few times during the day, during the bedtime routine, and right before the actual event. If she fusses, remind her, “Remember how we talked about how you could hold mommy’s hair while we sang the song, and when we were done you could hold the bear?”
It sounds like your husband is a good helper in this process. I found that once I had two kids I really needed help with the bedtime! I could do both, but it would take a lot longer than if we helped the kids one-on-one, me with the baby and my husband with my toddler. My husband would often tell my toddler that mommy would come just as soon as I was done helping the baby (and I made sure to follow through on that promise and go to my older daughter when I was done). They would wait for me, and sometimes my toddler would fall asleep before I could arrive. Bit by bit this helped her realize that she didn’t “need” me to help her go to sleep. Of course she still *wants* me to help her, even at age 5, and I’m glad of that :) Reading stories is one of the best parts of my day, and once we turn the lights out, she now falls asleep in just a couple of minutes. Hang in there!
Amber
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:44 pm
Angela,
Thanks for the ideas. I have just need a little clarification in order to get going on what you’ve suggested.
Are we putting her to bed too early or too late?
We feel like we follow her tired cues- rubbing her eyes, cranky, clumsy. This could happen anytime between 7:00 and 9:00 (should we follow her cues or take her to bed at the same time every night regardless of her behavior?). When we notice her cues we take her into her room to go to sleep but it still could take several hours. That’s the confusing part.
Am I running her ragged?
Unfortunately, we are not outside as much now as we used to be because just getting two babies out the door for a walk is a gigantic feat for me. Sometimes we’re only out once a day and maybe for not long enough. Good suggestion.
Slowing things down before bedtime.
Good suggestion, too. We usually go from dinner to brushing her teeth to bed. We need a routine.
Stock phrase….
I guess you’re suggesting that my 16-month-old will understand my negotiating the hair-pulling? I have told her she can only pull my hair if her eyes are closed so maybe why not go further with the stipulations, right?
Lastly, is this sudden change going to affect her emotionally at all in the long run? I worry that she’ll be confused why I’m not cuddling with her like I used to. I love cuddling with her but with two kids (babies, really) I have to take care of my son, too.
Yes, I have a great husband.
Thanks, your advice gave me a bit of hope after a bad evening.
Amber
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Nov 2, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Amber, I’ve struggled with all these sleep issues too and I’m no expert (in fact, it helps to remember that YOU are the expert on your child — not the pediatrician, not the sleep “experts” etc.) As for whether you’re putting her to bed too early or too late, I think it would help to experiment a little and try putting her to bed earlier and see if it helps. It’s possible that she’s overtired by the time she starts showing her sleep cues. If a few days of going to bed earlier doesn’t help, then try later. Look at your family’s schedule. We were always ones to stay up late and sleep in late, until we had other commitments that changed the schedule around.
A consistent bedtime might help although I was always flexible on bedtimes until school started and we had to start the bedtime routine on time or my daughter wouldn’t get enough sleep.
I do think a 16-month old can understand what you’re talking about — that the hair pulling is uncomfortable and you need to find something else. Whether she’ll go along with the “something else” is another matter. :) It might be hard for her if she is very emotionally attached to it. Either way I think it is very important to communicate to her want you want, and to keep repeating it to her in a positive manner.
The change doesn’t have to be sudden — you could talk about it for a few days, as in, “Let’s go shopping for something you can snuggle at night.” “Okay, we’re shopping for something you can snuggle at night — would you like a blanket or a doll with soft hair?” “Remember we bought that doll yesterday? Soon you’re going to hold onto her hair at night, just like you hold onto mama’s hair! Won’t that be nice? She can help you sleep at night!” “Tonight we’re going to snuggle the doll and hold onto her hair. You can hold onto mama’s hair for a little bit, and then you can hold onto the doll’s hair” etc. You get the idea. Get her excited about the transition. Have her name the doll or blanket. Snuggle it together. Show her how YOU hold the doll’s hair. Stay with her when you make the transition to her falling asleep while holding the doll’s hair — there’s no rush for you to give her the doll and leave her to sleep alone. That way she won’t feel abandoned and resent the doll substitute.
It can be really hard to balance the needs of two kids. It helps me to keep in mind that my children benefit from having a sibling, too. There are good things and “bad” things and they balance each other out for the most part.
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linda
Dec 8, 2007 at 6:42 pm
Hello,
I have an autistic toddler who will turn 3yrs. in Feb. We are still co sleeping and I would continue until he naturally weans himself but knowing this may take until he is 5-6 years old( I have a friend for whom this was true) I have concerns. His daddy is ready to not be pushed to the edge of the bed every night and kicked in the back but I am not so motivated…(I was also adopted and have issues of my own playing out)… in the end though daddy says he can wait until I am ready but I wonder at what cost? It has become a bit of a strain/stress. I am worried about the best way to go about the transition and have found little guidance. Any ideas? I did wean him from breast feeding at about 18 mo. but had to because of a medical issue. My son did okay… I have been practicing attachment parenting, I think that helped. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I do plan on attending a local babywearers group with hopes of getting some ideas there.
Thanks,
Linda
LeAnn
Jan 14, 2008 at 6:56 am
DONT STOP CO SLEEPING!!!! Hold off for one week. get a teddybear or a special blankie and start sleeping with it between you. when the baby wants to snuggle make sure you make the object and important part of that snuggling at all times of the day or night. Then begin to wean her from co sleeping with her new buddy. It will help soothe her.
misty
Apr 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I to refuse to allow my 16 month old cry it out. Aside from the fact that our paper thin walls would alert our neighbors, (we live in a small apartment complex,) I sleep on a twin bed in her small room because my husband has seizures. His neurologist said when the baby was born that he needed to be extra careful because disruptions in his sleep cycle can bring on siezures. So I try to assure that our baby is quickly & quietly tended to. Shes over a year old, and continues to wake up atleast twice a night. I just take care of her as quickly & quietly as possible. Those that read my comment, please pray that God jeal my husband of his siezures. May the Lord bless you. Thank you, Misty
Kim
Apr 18, 2008 at 9:14 am
My daughter is 19 months old and still co-sleeping and waking up 1-4 times a night asking for a ba-ba and binky. She is bottle feed and very attached to it as well as her binky and co-sleeping. My doctor says it’s time for the bottle to go. Our night time routine now is to settle in on her little fold out couch with her bottle, binky, blankie and a movie with either mom, dad or DD(brother) next to her. The older she gets, the longer it is taking her to fall asleep. I’m worried that I have missed the opportunity to transition her easily from the bottle and also to her bed. Her bed is in our room, it’s her crib made into a daybed with a sleep rail. Any suggestions? My doctor says she’s waking up for a bottle because I have let her go to sleep with one and it makes her hungrier? Anyone been there?
LeAnn
Apr 20, 2008 at 6:32 am
well, first and foremost your daughter is transitioning in awareness at this age-which is why she is taking longer to fall asleep with the movies, she knows their is an ending and doesn’t want to miss it!! The set up is complicated b/c there is so much involved-but you have not missed an opportunity! Great news! However I’m not sure all can be solved without at least a few tears. The bottle can be given to someone who has a new baby-the same way some people get rid of binkies-they tell their child the new baby needs it and since your little one is such a big girl she can give her bottle/or binky to the baby! Get some children’s books from the library about sleeping (Elmo, Barney-whoever is her fav) you can also incorporate massage into the night time routine!! That is an excellent way to help her wind down….just realize that the easiest transitions are in stages-giving a week or two for each stage, and making sure it is successful before trying to move on…..you can also take her to a store to buy a new snuggle buddy and it has to stay in her bed-of course her snuggle buddy gets upset and cries at night because it is lonely….just some of my best ideas-I’m on baby #3 and I still find myself needing to use these techniques! Good luck!
linda
Apr 20, 2008 at 7:11 pm
James McKenna wrote a book called “Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Cosleeping” ISBN 1-930775-34-2. He is the director of the Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory at the University of Notre Dame. Dr. Sears wrote the introduction. It is worth looking up. Lots of practical well founded advice. My sister-in-law studied with him; she is a nurse. The context of Attachment Parenting helps provide clarity.
Elspeth
Jul 18, 2008 at 7:08 am
Hey there.
I have an 8 month old who has slept in our bed from birth. At four months or so we started putting him to bed in the bassinet in our room in the hopes that he would start being more comfortable sleeping by himself. Problem is he isn’t and wakes up every hour until I bring him to bed. Then he sleeps three or four hour chunks between feedings. My problem is that my husband is completely opposed to the baby being in the bed. I can’t convince him otherwise. I want to do what’s best for all of us but the baby won’t sleep by himself in his crib and I don’t believe in CIO. Not sure what to do as this is putting a major stress on my marriage but the baby is just so much happier being with us (plus practically it’s much less exhausting for me).
starzy
Jul 19, 2008 at 9:22 pm
hi! we are an attachment parenting family. my now 14 month son started sleeping through the night around 10 weeks old. he has literally woken up probably less than 5 times since then and sleeps a full 9 to 12 hours every night! He was premature 4 weeks so we co-slept with him 50/50 until he was about 8 months. At about 8 months old we started co-sleeping 100% of the time. and i think i have become addicted to it quite honestly. i love it so much, i cant help kissing him 100 times and holding his feet and smelling him and my husband loves it as well, (although since my baby is a tornado sleeper) he does sometimes kick my husband out of bed somehow.. (takes over his space entirely) somehow my husband ends up at the foot of the bed and quietly wakes me up saying “momma, i have no where to sleep” thats when i bring baby over to his spot in the middle of the bed (hes scared to do it himself thinking he will either disturb the baby or wake him), so now with baby #2 on the way in 5 months, we really want to know what to do. we need advice. should we move our son into his own bed? (which i dont think HE nor I am ready to do) and should we co-sleep with baby #2.. if we do, which i totally want to, we are planning to get a 2nd bed in our 2nd room and each sleep with one child. (my husband and i are very independent sleepers we do not like to touch much when we sleep if we do its hard for me to fall asleep) or should we just get two beds (our king and a new queen bed) and attach them together (which will look quite unattractive) but sleep as a family together? when is an ideal time to get my toddler in his own bed? i think it would break my heart to make him sleep in his own bed and own room. i dont think i can do it. :(
JD
Aug 11, 2008 at 2:39 am
We have an 8 mth old. He has been sleeping with us since we arrived - even in the hospital bed. We bought a cradle which he had naps in sometimes when he was very little but we hardly used it and it is still unused next to our bed. We bought a cot for his own room when he started to crawl. This was because he crawled off the bed during a nap one day and that was it. I felt terrible but he ended up being okay. Currently the arrangement has been cot sleeping for naps and at the start of the night then I go pick him up when Im going to bed and we cuddle all night. He usually wakes me up in the morning by tapping on my face, pulling my hair, etc. He likes to take his time to get comfortable if we go to bed at the same time and moves about the bed alot. Just recently however he is flat out refusing to go to sleep in his cot at all. He screams rather than cries and will not sleep no matter how tired he is or how firm I am. He just gets hysterical. He skwirms if I try to rock him or sing to him. Then he will eventually fall asleep in his play area on the floor or on my lap…wherever so long as it is no where near his cot. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel it’s safe for him to nap or sleep in my bed without me there and he wakes up as soon as I sneak away anyway. I love sleeping with him but I feel like I have set up this nightmare where he is anxious sleeping in his cot without me. I have even tried climbing into his cot with him, a favourite toy. routine of bath, massage, feed, dim light, music.
linda
Aug 13, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Hello all,
Just an update to my prior note. My son is now 3.5 and we found a race car bed at a second hand store that he WANTS to sleep in. We made a big deal about it being “big boy bed”and put it in his room across the hall. He has been inclined to fall asleep there, after his bath and customary 3-5 books. He has not fought us (we have so far avoided any “crying it out” and we let him know he can come in to sleep in our bed anytime he wants. He has not made it through the night very many times without joining us in the early A.M. but we all feel very much on the way.
Side note, that my husband who had been very ready to not share the bed with a toddler anymore, misses having our son in bed with us. The family snuggle time will be missed by all when our son finally chooses not to visit the family bed.
Katie
Aug 17, 2008 at 2:51 am
Hi everyone!
Okay, I am a fellow attachment-parenting, co-sleeping, nursing, healthy-eating parent myself. But I have a big problem in the co-sleeping arena! My 6 year-old (yes, year old!!) still comes to sleep with us. She is very long, sprawls wildly, and I can’t sleep when she comes; I would play “musical beds” and leave to sleep in her bed! Also, her younger sister would soon follow her (the 4 year old.) Finally, after literally years of this (they both weaned themselves naturally from breastfeeding years ago), and after trying music, lights, back rubs, and every manner of thing, I dusted off the old baby gate, and put it up in her room. (Mind you, our bedrooms are like 20 feet apart, with a “Brady bunch” bathroom in the middle; she can see us!!! This isn’t like she’s in a far room, or another floor or something!) She is panicked! :_( Our four-year old quickly adjusted, but my hubby and I are up almost hourly trying to settle my daughter down. She is “scared” and “wants someone to stay with her.” I believe her, but at the same time, it’s been years, and I need to sleep in my own bed with hubby . . . not to mention that we would like to have another baby at some point, and not worry about having an overcrowded bed for that event. Can anyone help/advise? I have reasoned with her, explained it to her, gotten new bedroom things she likes . . . but when night comes, she is just different person, and “freaks out” when she can’t come into our bed. I don’t believe in locking the doors (thus, the baby gate was a compromise when she would not stay out), but I’m very desperate. I’d love a happy ending to this mess! :( I’ve read Dr. Sears and many other books . . .does anyone have some real life experience though? I don’t know what to do!
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Aug 17, 2008 at 9:21 am
Hi Katie,
With a six-year-old you might try involving her in the solution. Remind her that you need a good night’s sleep, and so does she, and that means that it’s time for her to stay in her bed in her room, all night long (or until the sun comes up, or until a certain time on the clock, or whatever the rule is), and you need her help figuring out how to make that happen. See if she can come up with a few ideas. If she is part of the solution she might be better at sticking to it. It will give her some power over the situation.
Other ideas: putting a mattress in your room, just for her. She can start off in her room then come to the mattress if she needs to, but not in your bed. Or she can start on the mattress and each night you can move the mattress closer and closer to her room.
If your 4-year-old is willing, they could sleep in the same bed. Make it into a “sleepover” and talk about how fun it is for them to sleep together. My 6-year-old and 3.5-year-old sleep in the same bed and they like it. They still want to be snuggled to sleep, but they generally stay in the bed all night.
I’ve never used reward charts but perhaps it might motivate your daughter — a sticker each night she stays in her bed, and a reward at the end of the week if she’s gotten 7 stickers.
Good luck!
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