Why Sleep Training Makes Me Want to Cry
Welcome to September’s Carnival of Breastfeeding (see this month’s entries below)! As a parent I understand how hard the parenting job is. That is why I have a general philosophy of “I’ll do what works for my family and you do what works for yours.” There are just two issues I feel very strongly about: (1) (not) spanking, and (2) whether or not to let a child “cry-it-out” (”CIO”). While there are different methods, names, and sleep trainers out there (Ferber, Ezzo, controlled crying, crying-it-out, just to name a few), CIO is the general practice of leaving a baby to cry in the hopes that he will settle himself to sleep. For this month’s carnival on Breastfeeding and Sleep, I offer the opinion that CIO, in any shape or form, is not the answer for a good night’s sleep. I do not offer my opinion to bash other parents or to attempt to change someone else’s mind (I have no illusions of succeeding at that). This article is for the breastfeeding mother whose family keeps telling her to “let that baby cry!” against all of her mothering instincts, or for the mother who tried letting her baby cry once and now has regrets or mixed feelings.
One other disclaimer: I do not purport to be any sort of expert on sleep (which is why I quote a lot of actual experts in this discussion!) I have struggled with the sleep issue myself and if you are interested you can crawl through all I have written on the sleep category. However, while I may not have the magic solution to a good night’s sleep, I do know that CIO is not the solution. Fortunately, lots of experts in child care, psychiatry, and pediatrics feel the same way. Here are my opinions along with some science to back them up.
I do not believe: “Night-waking to nurse is a habit, not a need.”
I believe: For the first several months of a baby’s life, night-waking to nurse certainly is a physical need. Babies’ tummies are small and breast milk is digested quickly. Forcing an infant to go too long without nursing can lead to failure to thrive (inadequate weight gain, poor physical and mental development). CIO can be downright dangerous!
Advocates of CIO argue that after a certain age, night-nursing is no longer physically necessary and there’s no “need” for it. While I question that (who among us hasn’t gotten thirsty or hungry in the night, and we’re not still growing!), there are also all kinds of needs: physical, emotional, psychological, developmental, and situational. In an article entitled “8 Infant Sleep Facts Every Parent Should Know,” Dr. Sears describes a baby’s need to be parented to sleep and parented back to sleep. Also, the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health notes in its position paper:
AAIMHI is concerned that the widely practiced technique of ‘controlled crying’ is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health and may have unintended negative consequences.
I do not believe: “Babies need to learn to self-soothe.”
I do believe: Why do babies need to learn to self-soothe, exactly? It seems more that the parents need the babies to learn to self-soothe. Babies who night-nurse barely cry, if at all, and often settle back to sleep quickly and peacefully.
Besides, when a baby is made to CIO and the baby falls back asleep, it’s not accurate to say the baby “self-soothed.” Dr. Ben Kim’s site describes a study of children ages one to two who were separated from their mothers and left to cry it out:
Results showed a predictable sequence of behaviours: The first phase, labeled “protest”, consists of loud crying and extreme restlessness. The second phase, labeled “despair”, consists of monotonous crying, inactivity, and steady withdrawal. The third phase, labeled “detachment”, consists of a renewed interest in surroundings, albeit a remote, distant kind of interest. Thus, it appears that while leaving babies to cry it out can lead to the eventual dissipation of those cries, it also appears that this occurs due to the gradual development of apathy in the child. The child stops crying because she learns that she can no longer hope for the caregiver to provide comfort, not because her distress has been alleviated.
I do not believe: “It’s short-term pain for long-term gain.”
I do believe: First of all, I’m not interested in any short-term pain for me or my child. Nor do I believe the pain is short term. Parents who implement CIO often find that they have to do so repeatedly as a child starts to night-wake again during developmental spurts, teething, and illness.
Furthermore, there’s plenty of evidence of long-term harm rather than long-term gain. Psychiatrists at Harvard University researched the long-term effects of CIO and found:
[T]he widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds — even separate rooms — and not responding quickly to their cries may lead to incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders when these children reach adulthood.
The early stress resulting from separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller.
“Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently,” Commons said. “It changes the nervous system so they’re overly sensitive to future trauma.”
Some scientific researchers believe that leaving a baby to CIO can cause brain damage (that the extreme distress of CIO blocks full development of certain areas of the brain and causes production of cortisol in other areas of the brain).
Contrast such findings with those cited by Dr. James McKenna on the long-term effects of co-sleeping. Studies show that co-sleeping promotes confidence, self-esteem, and intimacy, while children who do not bed-share are harder to control, less happy, throw more tantrums, are more fearful, and here’s the kicker — more dependent on their parents.
Please feel free to share your views on breastfeeding and sleep in the comments. Read on for other views (not necessarily consistent with mine!) on Breastfeeding and Sleep:
~ BreastfeedingMums talks about the sleep advantages of breastfeeding over formula-feeding.
~ Mama’s Magic writes about being “So Tired” and considering the end of co-sleeping.
~ The Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog sings the praises of the side-lying position for breastfeeding.
~ Hathor the Cowgoddess shares a comic on the family bed. (Note that while it’s safe for a toddler to sleep next to a sibling, an infant should not sleep next to an older child, only next to his parents.)
~ Leche, Baby! writes about the process of night-weaning.
~ Veggie Way writes about co-sleeping and letting her baby sleep where she wants.
~ Crunchy Domestic Goddess needs co-sleeping for sanity.
~ Life with Twins writes about her use of crying-it-out.
~ The Lactivist laments how each child has different needs.
~ Mama Knows Breast tells the truth about the reality of sleep deprivation.
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POSTED IN: breastfeeding, carnival, mothering, scientific studies, sleep
26 opinions for Why Sleep Training Makes Me Want to Cry
Sinead@BreastFeedingMums
Sep 17, 2007 at 11:38 am
What a fascinating post, Angela. I’ve really enjoyed reading it. There certainly seems to be plenty of evidence to back up what you’re saying. I’ve personally tried controlled crying (although only ever for very short periods of time and never letting my child get very distressed) and although it works to a certain degree I very much believe that children cry because they need their parents/ caregivers help. Rarely does a child cry for no reason!
Ieasa
Sep 17, 2007 at 11:55 am
Wow, All the fellings I have had about CIO with out the scientific proof and then here it all is. I love it. I love knowing that I was doing what felt natural and it was in deed the right thing to do.
Natalie
Sep 17, 2007 at 7:35 pm
Is there a particular age/developmental point at which frequent night-nursing does become categorized as a habit rather than a need?
Jen
Sep 17, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Thank you for collecting some really good information here. I especially liked the link about the long term benefits of co-sleeping. Luckily, both my husband and I agree that CIO is not something we even want to consider…. and we’ve been able to provide a united front against family pressures. Now I have a few more facts to throw into the discussion the next time it comes up, should I be so inclined ;-)
Breastfeeding Carnival: Sleep « Half Pint Pixie
Sep 18, 2007 at 1:43 am
[…] Thou, Sleep? Amy at Crunchy Domestic Goddess: Co-sleeping for Sanity Angela at Breastfeeding123: Why Sleep Training Makes Me Want to Cry Jodi at Life with Twins: Breastfeeding and sleep Nicole at Leche, Baby: Breastfeeding and sleep […]
Isil
Sep 18, 2007 at 1:49 am
I love this post!
I am also against CIO and here you have written about it in a nutshell.
People somehow believe that crying is normal for babies. They cry because they need something, maybe a feed or maybe just a cuddle. Letting a baby CIO, feels so unfair to me.
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Sep 18, 2007 at 4:07 am
Natalie,
I don’t know that there’s a particular age where it’s definitely considered a habit rather than a need, but from experience I can say it’s the point where the child responds positively to gentle efforts to night-wean. If the child resists night-weaning, then there’s still a “need” for night-nursing, whether that need is physical or psychological or due to teething or illness.
The one thing that made a big difference in stretching out the time between night-nursings for both my kids was a change in the bedtime routine, when they were each ready (around age 2). I would talk to them about the new plan (communication is key!), remind them about the new plan, and implement the new plan: nurse, brush teeth, read stories, sing songs and rest on my chest (or daddy’s) to settle to sleep. Putting the nursing first helped break the sleep association with nursing. As the child got older, we also talked about not nursing until the sun came up. The mum-mums were going to sleep until the sun came up, and once the sun came up the child could nurse again (in the meantime, after a reminder about the new plan, snuggles or water were offered as alternatives to night-nursing if the child woke).
Keep in mind that night-weaning is also not the complete end of night-waking. My five-year-old sleeps well most nights, but sometimes she still asks to come into the family bed in the middle of the night. There are still episodes of illness, and for my two-and-a-half-year-old, teething. The sleep situation improves a lot (I slept from 10 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. last night!!!) but there’s no guarantee of a good night’s sleep! Hang in there!
Eilat
Sep 18, 2007 at 6:49 am
“As the child got older, we also talked about not nursing until the sun came up. ”
That is exactly what we started doing about a month or so before my son turned two. I’d say (during a 2am request):
“We don’t nurse at night, only in the morning. We nurse in the morning on the couch.”
We had to compromise so he is allowed to “hold it” for a few moments while drifting off to sleep. I guess the comfort of knowing they are there is enough for him. But no nursing.
In the morning, the boy sprints to the couch and sits in anticipation, announcing: “Its time to nurse on the couch!”
It is ironic to me that my son was potty trained before he was night weaned, but that’s what worked for us ;-)
Crunchy Domestic Goddess
Sep 18, 2007 at 6:54 pm
i applaud you for putting all of this information together in one place. great post. i couldn’t agree more.
amy
Ella
Sep 22, 2007 at 1:08 am
This is a great post.
If I could go back and do it all again I would still be co-sleeping with all my children.
Kate
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:17 am
Hmmmm….I wonder what conversation inspired this post.
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Sep 24, 2007 at 5:25 am
Coincidental, actually! We’d agreed to do a carnival of breastfeeding on sleep, and the topic of the book “On Becoming Babywise” came up. In my opinion, the methods discussed in that book are simply cruel and dangerous, and I got so riled up I had to write about it!
Amanda
Sep 24, 2007 at 6:16 am
Thank you for your post Angela. Working as a psychologist, I believe that CIO can have some major consequences particularly if that child experiences trauma later on. As a mother of a 21 month old son and pregnant with our second, we’re committed to responding to our son and co-sleeping despite criticism from some.
Our biggest problem right now is that while our son sleeps through the night (in our bed), it ends up taking us at least an hour to put him to bed (we lie down with him). I’d love some suggestions on how to reduce this time.
For any mothers out there who struggle with their babies/toddlers crying, there’s an excellent author, Aletha Solter, who explains the need for crying. She believes in attachment theory and states that children should NEVER be left to cry on their own. Her books are “Tears and Tantrums”, “The Aware Baby” and “Helping Young Children Flourish”.
Michelle
Sep 24, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Hi, I just wanted to state that not all breastfeeding mothers are opposed to spanking and crying it out. My baby is 3 months old and in the 90 percentile for weight and height. He is exclusively breastfed, but I did let him cry it out (it only took three days) and now he sleeps through the night (eight hours). I really needed the sleep, I was being short with my 3 year old since I was so sleep deprived. I do not judge anyone who co-sleeps, so please return the favor. Every mom and baby is different. As for spanking, I just follow the Bible there. I spank only out of love and gentleness, never out of anger or frustration.
Top Ten Breastfeeding Book Sales Over the Past Year
Oct 5, 2007 at 5:56 am
[…] 1. The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers: Gentle Ways to Stop Bedtime Battles and Improve Your Child’s Sleep by Elizabeth Pantley. This is by far the number one best seller for Breastfeeding 1-2-3 readers. That pleases me very much given my feelings against crying-it-out. […]
Kate
Nov 15, 2007 at 11:49 am
I did let my now 8-month old CIO and he sleeps 12 hours through the night. Some of the research I read regarding CIO and how it causes “brain damage” is enough to make me laugh. My son is healthy, happy, and well rested. People ALWAYS comment on what a happy baby he is. He was not like that pre-sleep training. I don’t appreciate people who judge us, as I don’t judge family bed people. However, I would like to talk to those people when there kids are 5 and still sleeping in their bed. There is something to be said about a good nights sleep for everyone.
Amanda
Nov 15, 2007 at 8:49 pm
I just wanted to comment that none of these posts have negative comments about CIO parents. They are simply opinions about using CIO or alternative methods. I think that’s pretty fair.
Shannon Yee » Weaning Yet?
Mar 11, 2008 at 6:45 pm
[…] of the comments on this Carnival of Breastfeeding post about sleep and breastfeeding answered the very question I have been wanting to know: When does […]
Kelley
Mar 18, 2008 at 8:04 am
Just a day after I read this article Gigi had her 6 month check up. The doctor gave her a fantastic bill of health (she’s my little chubber). Then she asked about sleeping. We told her we co-slept and that the baby wakes 3-4 times to nurse and then back to sleep. We told her that both my husband and I sleep fine, and feel pretty rested. She scoffed… literally scoffed… and proceeded to tell us that Gigi’s nursing was a habit, and that we should move her to another room lest she die from SIDS… AND that no one ever died from crying… I was so hurt and angry… my little one is thriving… never cries unless in pain… sigh, I guess we’ll have to look for another pediatrician… I never thought I would have to defend my parenting choices when my little one looked so healthy. I actually took a lot of strength from this article, Thanks Angela!
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Mar 18, 2008 at 10:05 am
Kelley, I’m sorry the pediatrician treated you that way! I don’t understand why some doctors feel the need to cross the line between offering medical advice and offering (unwanted!) parenting advice. I suppose she thought she was being helpful with the SIDS discussion, but she arguably is misinformed on that topic. If you haven’t already, see:
http://www.breastfeeding123.com/sids-breastfeeding-and-co-sleeping/
Kelley
Mar 18, 2008 at 11:04 am
Thanks again, as always this site is my go to time and time again.
Maria
May 11, 2008 at 6:15 pm
In a fit of desperation, I tried the controlled cry-it-out mess for a whole 10 minutes. I couldn’t do it, and from that point on, I switched to co-sleeping, which was a blessing for everyone! Now that The Boy is 16 months, I am slowly encouraging him to sleep alone in his bed, but when he wakes and wants me, I go to him. I have learned my lesson! CIO is NOT for me, and I refuse to allow others to tell me that I MUST do it. My son is happy, healthy, and loving. What more could I ask for?
And my ped has never told me to stop night nursing. :)
patty
May 19, 2008 at 10:11 am
angela….your post made me feel so much better about my almost 1-year old who is still not sleeping thru the night and who is continuing to sleep in our bed. as with some of the other mothers who have posted to this page, i have tried to let my baby CIO. but, it never lasts for very long because my mommy instinct always kicks in and i end up going to him. i sleep fine with him in the bed. but, i do feel bad that my husband has a more difficult time getting a good night’s rest with the baby next to us. lately, he has been relegated to the living room sofa. luckily, i have a wonderful husband who is so patient and understanding. he would never force me to do something that i don’t feel completely comfortable with. i was just at our baby’s daycare the other day, talking to his teachers. i was telling them about how our baby is still not sleeping through the night and that i’m still nursing whenever he wakes. they were all telling me that i needed to nip it in the bud now…cuz it will only become more difficult as he gets older. i appreciated their feedback i guess. but, i am still choosing to do what feels most right to me. i haven’t told my own mother that he’s not sleeping through the night because i know what her reaction will be. and, i’d rather not have to hear her preaching. so, anyway….it just feels good to know that i’m not alone in how i am rearing my child. thanks again for all the great information!
Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
May 19, 2008 at 10:18 am
Patty, I’m so pleased you found the article helpful!
You might also like the comments on this discussion about how to wean from co-sleeping without crying-it-out:
http://www.breastfeeding123.com/weaning-from-co-sleeping-without-crying-it-out-mom-to-mom-9/
Good luck!
Jeffrie Henry, J.D.
Jun 4, 2008 at 7:45 am
I have two children: the first, a boy, nursed or rocked to sleep and coslept until he was five; the second, a girl, nursed but wouldn’t fall asleep until she was put in her crib from day one. Therefore, with my second child, I had really no option but to allow her to cry to sleep. I did it in a very controlled way, though. At about 9 months, she was very aware of my leaving, so she began crying, which she had never done prior to that age. So this is the process I implemented. After nursing, I would lay her in her crib and pat her until she was very calm. I would then step away and see what happened. If she got upset, I would pat her again until she was calm. Usually after three times she was calm enough to leave the room. After I left the room, if she cried I would stay away for 5 minutes before returning to pat her. Unfortunately this process lasted about 30 to 45 minutes every evening, but by the time I weened her at 15 months she only cried for a couple of minutes each night before calming to sleep. Now, at 21 months she sleeps every night from 8:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m., and most evenings only plays and sings in her crib before going to sleep. My son never slept like this until we put him in his own room at age 5 and told him that we didn’t like to be woke up at night unless he was scared or had to use the bathroom. So, I am now a believer that children need their own space to sleep. Just do it in a controlled, loving way.
Kyle W
Jul 13, 2008 at 7:21 am
I’m a first time father and have been co-sleeping with our little guy and my wife for the first 6.5 months of his life. We had been putting off having him sleep alone in his room because, let’s face it, it’s a warm snuggly feeling to have the baby in bed with us (waking up to his smiley face, having him close, snuggling etc.). HOWEVER, responsible parenting isn’t about doing what is right for the parents, it’s about doing what is right for the child. Parenting = giving your child the lessons and tools to grow up to be healthy, well adjusted and equipped for life outside the nest, sometimes involving a little push to get to the next step. So why did we decide to do it? The fact of the matter is that continuing to co-sleep is a slow process of sleep deprivation to all involved. Sleep is crucial to development, well-being, proper bodily functioning and long term health, especially for a baby’s devloping body and mind. Without sufficient, nightly deep sleep (not intemitent, choppy light sleep) we all lose quality of health from a biological persepctive - more studies continue to link lack of proper sleep to impaired concentration and coordination, obesity, mental health issues etc.. There is no arguing about it - we all feel awful when we don’t sleep. MOST IMPORTANTLY, all 3 of us have been (although we may not realize it) not sleeping fully for 6 months and can’t continue to do so. I can sense that he stirs in his sleep every time one of us moves which also wakes us all up out of deep sleep; every time he feeds (every few hours) baby and mom avoid deep sleep and he’s never been able to fall alseep without some suckling which means every few hours, we’re all being pulled out of deep sleep. Although co-sleeping is cute and comfortable (just like eating lots of junk food is more fun and comfortable than eating veggies) we have all been hurting our well being. ADMISSION: despite knowing this we’ve been puting off having the little one move out of our bed beacuse like every other parent in the world, the idea of having baby cry and not tend to them is heartbreaking! Despite dreading the transition to ‘crying-it-out’, the facts remain the same - 1.Teaching a child to fall and stay asleep is a lesson kids need to learn alone. We can’t teach it through a book, with toys, with a video or group session it’s 100% personal and experiential learning 2. The older babies/kids get the harder it is to break habits or accept new ones. Add insufficient sleep to the mix and a timebomb if crankiness is brewing for the day they do move to their own bed (and they will…unless you’re fine with a 15 year old sleeping with you) 3. The longer we all avoid proper sleep, the less healthy we’ll all be in the short and long term (so we’re hurting oursleves by continuing to co-sleep) 4. Parenting will be full of times in the future where we have to let the child be unhappy at the moment for his own good (eg. when he gets older if he cries about going to school, we aren’t going to let him stay at home, we’re not going to avoid giving him medicine if he’s sick beacuse he doesn’t want to take it, we aren’t going to read for him forever if he doesn’t fel like learning to read and we aren’t going to let him play with a hot curling iron if he throws a temper tantrum in protest). SO, the night before last (one wekend after the deadline we gave ourselves…hey, we’ve struggled with this too!) we took the plunge and are SO happy we did - NOBODY liked the crying part, that was awful BUT, amazingly his sleeping patterns have already completely changed! The next day- he fell asleep on his own in the car without crying (almost never happens - he’s cried for as long as an hour in the car); he’s gone down for all naps since with barely a wimper (he could only ever sleep on mom for naps before); has been sleeping longer at nap time (as I’m typing this on morning number 2, I can hear that he’s awakened from his nap and is happily babbling, not crying in his room!); on day 2 we woke up in a panic realizing it was 45 minutes past when he ever wakes up in the morning and found in fact was in his crib talking to himself; we feel more rested and actually remember dreaming for the first time in a long time. TO SUMARIZE: it’s not easy to be a parent and life is going to be full of times when the best thing for him is not going to be the best thing for us. Like I had to keep reminding my wife on night number one - going into his room to ’save him’ is not the right thing to do as a parent. We’re not scarred from having to learn some things on our own as children and I am grateful that my parents didn’t force me to stay in their bed (ruining my ability to learn to fall asleep properly in adult life) just beacuse they didn’t want to hear me cry. I’m sure our little guy will feel the same way when he gets grows up.
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